a blessed little boy's Journal
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a blessed little boy's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, November 3rd, 2003 | | 2:19 pm |
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| Wednesday, October 29th, 2003 | | 7:11 pm |
hello. i am extremely cute. someday i will be updating my journal again. for now, i will tell you all how gorgeous i am and leave you with fantasies you wouldn't find in a video. andrewclark |
| Wednesday, October 8th, 2003 | | 11:41 pm |
everything, nothing it was the best of times, it was the worst of times not that too many people really care, but i dont think i'm going to update anymore. |
| Saturday, October 4th, 2003 | | 12:41 am |
we almost lived in pike township once. what if i had, would everything have been the same? would i have gone to covenant or pike, and would loie and i have still ended up together? i want to say yes, because fate had such a hand in our coupling, but i also know how loie is and i how i am, especially at school. we came together under special circumstances, and i, with my mystery stripped away, may not have been as appealing as i was as secret internet boy, through jack yang, special chinese introducer. i dont know if i would've befriended bartz, who i'm starting to like more every time we hang out, or brenton, who is always funny and whom i seem to have a lot in common with. i dont know who i would be, even if one thing in my life had been different. where would i be if i hadn't visited loie this summer, or hadn't crashed my lebaron, or never went to youth group? what if doubting fiction never existed, or i didn't switch from covenant to center grove and back freshman year? what if my first real kiss would've been from a different girl, or what if i'd been in love before? what if jordan and i had never gotten pulled over that night? it seems small, but there was something about that evening that felt pivitol. who knows what it was changing? i don't like to think about all the possibilities, because i know that i've chosen my path, and i continue on it. 'dispair can ravage you if you turn around to look down from where you came. cause what can you change? you're a vessel now, floating down the waterways.' i feel like a vessel, but nights like this i like it. i like my life. i love my life, and what do i have to complain about? love. always. |
| Thursday, October 2nd, 2003 | | 8:57 pm |
major props to my mom, she just gave me my birthday/christmas present... the best guitar ever(!)my mom is so great, sometimes, really. she always wants whats best, even if sometimes she thinks what she wants is best. she wants to make everyone happy, and i feel sorry for her sometimes. but i love her, always. she's mom. and i'm super excited. the guitar sounds great, so i'm trying to learn a song for my very special love, the one that inspires me to play, sing and live... my loie. true love waits is by radio head, and its she and i, because it did, and it always will. i love that girl so much. i'll drown my beliefs to have you be in peace i'll dress like your niece to wash your swollen feet just don't leave don't leave and true love waits in haunted attics and true love wins on lollipops and crisps just don't leave don't leave i'm not living i'm just killing time your tiny hands your crazy kitten smile just lonely, longing just lonely, longing i have a crush on loie. |
| Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 | | 10:42 am |
i’m all swirled up today. weirded. i just want to be home, not here at this school where i feel alone, i want to be away from here. cuddled up with loie in her bed, or driving somewhere in my car, or around my friends. in my car, i know that i am going somewhere but here i’m not really going anywhere, a speaker in government, irp, free period, ap english last, but its not as good as i would like. why am i here? too much downtime for someone with no one to talk to. the select few, maybe, but no one close. it hurts to be alone, and then i drive half an hour to work so i can either work for two hours and drive and hour to loie’s or work for four hours and go home. i obviously want the former, always, but not tonight, it’s a four hour night and i’m already ready to call it a day. 24 more to go… then i’ll be out of here because it’s a half day tomorrow. longer with loie. longer away from school, those are the things that i need. shorter days and relaxation. chilly nights and warmer thighs. because nothing’s like being held sometimes. i’m so lucky. i’ve received so many blessings, i’ve got so much going, and it makes me happy. it’s all the responsibility that comes with it that gets me like this, and i know that responsibility is a part of life and all, a very important part that a lot of people don’t have figured out yet, i know this but it still pushes me, sometimes, maybe when i let it. because i know there’s so much to do. i can’t wait, can’t wait, cannot wait until college. i’m glad i have that situation figured out. i want loie and i to be free, i want to be free to make my own decisions and play music more. playing and singing and writing, these things i can do on my own and feel so good about it. but i cant do it on my own, not really, because it’s people that inspire it all. it’s loie, and it’s everyone else. my inspiration, and where would i be without her? or them? nowhere. i will always give credit where credit is do, and i know that if i have no one to write or sing or play to/about, then i don’t really have music. i need the kind of peace that comes from renewal, and i’ve been working on the renewal process for a while now. i’m going to continue to, it makes everything better, both internally and externally. i’m really so glad for loie and everything she is for me. she’s wonderful at reminding me who i am and keeping me on track. everything would change, without her. i don’t know what i’d do. in an effort to post every day, or at least more often, i’ve just decided to make a daily list of ten things i love, little things that make me smile. we all need to remember these things, the little things that make life worth it. while a person can fail us, at one time or another (i’m not talking about lo here, she’s not failed me), things like this last. .01 -peanut butter and jelly sandwiches -clothes out of the dryer -fries out of the frier -good bass guitar -love notes -picnics -going barefoot -tamagotchi (currently named travesty) loie’s and my child -sleeping bags -love packets zach and i talked last night, it was funny and weird, but not really a big deal. he was once the source of all my insecurity (and for good reason, i thought) but not anymore. he’s a person, no longer a ghost, and therefore can’t haunt me. loie and i have matured to the point that things like this shouldn’t be a big deal, and for the most part they aren’t. i simply do my best to make her as happy as i can, and what more can i do? if i always do my best, and i do, what do i have to worry about? the survey i didn’t get to before: 10 bands i've been listening to lately ::01:: mineral ::02:: taking back sunday ::03:: radiohead ::04:: bright eyes ::05:: dashboard ::06:: sunny Day real estate ::07:: saves the day ::08:: the ride ::09:: chinese confessional (is that what we’re calling it?) ::10:: (i want desperately to listen to) starflyer 59 09 things i look forward to ::01:: college ::02:: loie and i’s future ::03:: being a husband ::04:: being a father ::05:: loie, every day ::06:: being pseudo-famous ::07:: publishing a book ::08:: a solo acoustic tour ::09:: taking a vacation, just me and lo 08 things i like to wear ::01:: no shoes ::02:: my new jacket ::03:: my ‘hot jeans’ ::04:: pj pants ::05:: tshirts ::06:: bracelets loie makes for me ::07:: banana republic corduroys/rust oxford ::08:: boxer briefs 07 things that annoy me ::01:: dumb people ::02:: irp, free period, C++ programming, algebra 2 ::03:: people that feel sorry for themselves often ::04:: being hungry ::05:: waking up late ::06:: not having time to play music ::07:: work, when i can’t see loie after!!! 06 things i love ::01:: loie ::02:: my (true, good, real) friends ::03:: music ::04:: people ::05:: slightly chilly air ::06:: loie (oops) 05 things i do everyday ::01:: love loie big time ::02:: write something ::03:: miss loie big time ::04:: call one person to see how they are ::05:: read 04 people i want to spend more time with ::01:: loie (never enough time, right?) ::02:: the elite team that is leslie/kelsey ::03:: jordan ::04:: dad (david) 03 movies i could watch over and over again ::01:: clerks ::02:: fight club ::03:: old star wars 2 of my favourite songs at the moment ::01::holy hocks, forget me nots- saves the day ::02:: the last word is rejoice- mineral 1 thing i'd rather be doing ::01:: getting some good-old-fashioned loie loving :sigh: thats all folks. ps: oh, i got a new kickin cell phone and got half-tuition scholarship to franklin. so cheers. pps: i love loie, in case you hadn't noticed |
| Sunday, September 28th, 2003 | | 12:32 am |
i am completely in love with my girlfriend. it should go without saying, but i'm just throwing it out there because it was the first thing that came to mind. she is usually the first thing that comes to mind, she has a way of permeating my every thought, and i adore her for it. we had a fluffy sweet day that was (nice and long at the same time). act this morning, very early... cute and together. lunch with elle. we went back home and did some singing, then went to sleep. i woke up sweaty and she showered while i ate chinese. watched some harry potter. we smiled at each other and love was all around... we went took leslie with us to meet bartz, randy, caitlin and elle at puerto vayerta or whatnot. kelsey joined up afterwards. bartz should be my best friend, someday. randy is cool, and he's black and i like him. elle is funny. caitlin is really nice and i like her family. leslie and i are great. i really like kelsey, she's someone i respect. we went to a modern ballet. it was (long, but not the nice kind of long), but also entertaining. the girl next to loie fell asleep and snored. i thought of how pretty loie was the whole time. she's got gorgeous eyes and i could live off her smile. forever. we drove home and we're getting ready to cuddle big time, because i'm staying the night. our bastard love child that loie bought for me (tamagotchi!) is named tom and is ugly right now, but hopefully i'm taking good care of him and he'll be less ugly as he grows into the next stage. i dont feel tired, i feel like eating lots of food and loving loie all night long. i could also do with some listening to the cure. i can use bad sentence structure because i did the act today. i think that makes me eligible for the 'its okay to use bad sentence structure club' if there is a club like that. i dont know if there is or not, but i know that i could lay in her arms forever. |
| Wednesday, September 24th, 2003 | | 10:26 pm |
i got a tamagotchi. loie bought it in celebration of our 11-month anniversary. we named it- get this- tommy. i know, we're the cleverest kids on the block. the problem is we had leslie baby sit it while we went on our picnic (see below) and she went to dance, so she's got it now. i miss my child. the picnic was perfect, if i do say so myself. everything was calm and happy, and we looked out on the water and ate our turkey sandwhiches and fritos and time was frozen solid and nothing was stressful or busy, it was just me and her on a cloth island on a perfect weather day. i'm so thankful. i really am. for everything. |
| Thursday, September 18th, 2003 | | 11:15 pm |
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| Wednesday, September 17th, 2003 | | 5:25 pm |
(a) slow day (b)ut not long (c)locks were lazy (d)oing little (e)ating a corndog (f)ew friends to talk to (g)oing home and calling lo were all i thought about (h)ome is a realive term though (i) live in a house (j)ust outside greenwood (k)inda sad but, it's just a house (l)oie and i share a home (m)y teeth are aching (n)othing i can do (o)rthodontist appointment, i just had. (p)retty brutal really (q)uit hurting, teeth! they (r)eply with silence, mocking (s)o there's nothing i can do. (t)imes like this i miss her most (u)nderstand, we need each other (v)ery much (w)hy? simple. without her e(x)citement does not exist (y)ou my dear, are an angel. i am (z)ealous for your heart. why did i do it? i dont know. |
| Tuesday, September 16th, 2003 | | 10:42 pm |
The Music Survey. Answer all of these questions with a lyric from a song. 1.) Are you male or female?: 'when i was born they looked at me and said: 'what a good boy...'' (barenaked ladies "what a good boy") 2.) Describe your neighborhood: 'here in my car i feel safest of all, i can lock all my doors. it's the only way to live.' (fear factory "cars") 3.) How do you look?: 'i've got wild, staring eyes and a strong urge to fly...' (pink floyd "nobody home") 4.) If you could say something to the person you like, what would it be?: 'love, i get so lost, sometimes days pass and emptiness fills my heart. when i want to run away i drive off in my car but whichever way i go i come back to the place you are, all my instincts they return, this grand facade so soon will burn, without a noise, without my pride, i reach out from the inside in your eyes... i am complete in your eyes' (peter gabriel "in your eyes") 5.) Where do you wish you were right now? 'back in your arms, now. back in your eyes, the only place i feel myself anymore' (in by eleven "public display of affection") 6.) What would you say to your best friend?: "i'm standing here listening to the sound of your hand washing back and forth across my filthy heart and i don't know if i should say "i'm sorry" or "thank you" i try to speak but the tears choke the words and i think i finally know what they mean when they talk about joy." (mineral, "february") 7.) Any words of wisdom: "know that when you finally find it, love is always worth the fight" (in by eleven "the longest reunion") 8.) What do you wish you were doing right now?: 'i want to hold the hand inside you, i want to take a breath that's true... fade into you' (pedro the lion covering mazzy star "fade into you") 9.) What do you think of drugs and alcohol?: 'mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all...' (frank sinatra "i get a kick out of you") 10.) If you could say one thing to your enemy, what would it be?: 'let me take this awkward saw and run it against your thighs. cut some flesh away and carry this piece of you with me...' (saves the day "rocks tonic juice magic") 11.) What do you usually do on Friday nights?: 'then we watch tv until we fall asleep, not very exciting but it's you and me...' (the wannadies "you and me song") 12.) Are you for world peace?: 'don't spend your time looking around for something you want that can't be found' (the jungle book "the bear necessities") 13.) What do you think about school?: 'this could've been over and done with and i could've moved on...' (january friend "waste of time") 14.) How do you feel right now?: 'a beautiful girl can make you dizzy...' (taking back sunday "great romances of the 20th century") i need more questions for this... -andy |
| Sunday, September 14th, 2003 | | 10:43 pm |
things like lj entries can't be forced, and right now, i don't think i can write. (more to come, i promise) |
| Wednesday, September 10th, 2003 | | 10:32 pm |
why would anyone use the downloaded livejournal client? why did i, for a short time? the world may never know. i'm becoming increasingly more attached to miss leslie dodge, the ultimate future sister-in-law and friend to the end. she's great, and from the first day i started to really like her (sure, you can sneak over here, i won't tell) till the other day when she justified that choice by saying 'he was over as my friend, i've become quite fond of the girl. hey leslie. if you're reading, you're grand. we got crime and punishment in ap english today. mr. maguire said that he read it as a freshman in college and it changed the way he looked at the world. needless to say, i'm excited. i'm a bit worried, though, because the book is by a russian guy that uses the hardest naming system ever (according to mr. m) and plus the book is pretty lengthly and was written in the 1800's... alone those facts wouldn't pose much of a threat, but together, they could make for some complicated reading. i'm going to start soon, but not tonight because (in case i haven't already mentioned it) i'm exhausted. i'm not exactly sure how i'm feeling, kind of disconnected i guess- i had a pretty good day and was in a good mood, it seems like one little thing and everything goes blah lately. it's a shame, but i'm hoping i'm going to get out of this little funk. loie redesigned my journal after redoing her own. nice, eh? needless to say, i'm very much in love with this girl. and (i hate to admit it) she makes me like little puppies the size of cell phones. i'm not saying his name, i'm not saying i like him either. (but i do) and i love you |
| Monday, September 1st, 2003 | | 9:04 pm |
... how we have our very own notebook and write/draw in it (almost) every day. how you don't really mind that i get kicked out of walmart for riding on the machinery how you want every kiss to be special how i cannot help but tend to your every need, making sure that you're the happiest girl in all the land how you make me the happiest boy in all the land how you always want to be sure that we had a good night how we cuddle until four in the morning and then i sneak out of your room so when your mom wakes up, she knows we didnt sleep together, then i go back into your room before you wake up so that it seems like we did how, just before we fall asleep, i can ask a question like 'baby, what's the difference between betwixt and between?' and you'll explain like its the most normal question on earth how i feel at home wherever you are how you know just when i need you, and you're always there how we can spend hours upon hours with each other, and still want to talk on the phone a half an hour after i leave how well you kiss, let me touch and squeeze and say 'oh, you know you want to' (because i always do) how i cannot seem to keep from hugging, caressing, or otherwise being affectionate all the time, constantly how i plan what we're doing for our anniversary months in advance, and already worry about how i'm going to get money to pay for it how i know that i will get it, and everything will work out how my mom gave us her blessing, and my dad gave you some jam how we're both music nazis how we fell in love so quickly and continue to grow every day how you shine like the stars every time you smile (i love you, too. ) |
| Sunday, August 31st, 2003 | | 8:04 pm |
loie is the greatest girlfriend who ever lived. hands down. (not the rock version, though.) |
| Sunday, August 24th, 2003 | | 10:24 pm |
sleep seems a dream away and a year too late... i feel strange. good, i think. but strange. |
| Thursday, August 21st, 2003 | | 6:03 pm |
i probably shouldn't be updating at work, but i'm kind of lonely (like i have been all day) and i'm trying to make the time go as quickly as possible. the lights are out, and i'm the only one in the office. at seven o clock, i'll leave to see my love. until then, i'm working and thinking more than i should. last night, after i left loie's, i started feeling really alone. i called loie and told her how much i loved her, then i put mineral in the stereo and rolled the windows down- cold air on my face and the best band in the world while driving down a (mostly) silent highway gave me a renewed sense of freedom. i stopped by borders and bought 'the heart is a lonely hunter' and a collection of poems by hart crane. both of these pieces of literature have songs by the anniversary named after them, but they're also incredibly honest. those things made me feel happy. i've never finished 'the heart...', but i'm starting again from the beginning so that i can make notes. so that was last night. i woke up and felt all lonely again. i took an extra long shower and called loie before school. in sociology we were talking about conformity, and the class said that i was one of the only ones who seemed to have no desire to conform. that's kind of sad, but it made me proud, because there was a respect in their voices when they said it. we talked about the fact that even the goths and anti-crombie people conform, because they have rules about what to wear, how to act, and what music to listen to than the preps do. almost every one of them has one of those 'you laugh because we're different, we laugh because you're all the same' shirts; the irony there is classic. it also made me smile to see the preppy people admit they were preps (and without pride! how great.) the rest of the school day was just plain blah. nothing happy. annoying kid that i take home every other day has decided to make it every day. he waited for me by my car. :sigh: i wrote my first program in c++ today as well- a little text-based thing that calculates your weight on the moon. nothing big, but it was fun. leaving the school i got really really mad at bad drivers, people that speed around the parking lot or don't look where they're going. its total chaos trying to get out already, and with people speeding it just makes it worse. my imagination started to wander, thinking about how someone could be crippled for life because of some ass-head that thinks going 50 through the parking lot, weaving between cars in the mustang his parent's bought him is cool. i had noticed people with disabilites all day, and felt really bad for everything. or guilty. i'm over-blessed. i need to get working so that i can get to my loie. i have a feeling that as soon as we're together, everything will feel right again. |
| Monday, August 18th, 2003 | | 10:29 am |
taking back sunday is back. it made my day. |
| Sunday, August 17th, 2003 | | 10:00 pm |
i really don't have as much to say as i thought i did. but i will say this: everyone should be thankful for what they have, the blessings they recieve and the people that they know. i know that i am. i love you, too. |
| Tuesday, August 12th, 2003 | | 11:03 pm |
i need one word (we're talking 100 dollar vocab word here) to describe my whole personality. it's for ap english. quixotic is currently number one, if anyone can top it in 24 hours, you'll win a cool prize. thanks. |
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